Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My cat gives me a boner
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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