Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
