why didn't you poke me back
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
