Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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