Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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