I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
