I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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