he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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