You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
