I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
