I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
