i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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