Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
