my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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