my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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