Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
