It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
