The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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