I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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