just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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