Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
