Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
