can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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