im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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