the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
