There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
