Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
