whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
