I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
