this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
