Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
