we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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