Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
