It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
