Quick, to the slutcave!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
