I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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