i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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