In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
