that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
