mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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