My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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