Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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