So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
