New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
