I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
