and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
