Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Found the puke drawer
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
