I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
