now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
