I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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